How To:

Promote the Family in a World that Thinks it's Unnecessary

This is my conclusion to my blog. I wanted to end with this topic because I have seen and heard so many examples that apply to this subject. I found this article online the other day and it really broke my heart to see that people shun large families. It makes me happy to see that there are still some people out there who value and promote families. 

http://sylcell.wordpress.com/2014/05/31/to-the-lady-ashamed-of-being-pregnant-with-her-fourth/

I love this girl because she is proud to be a mother. She loves her family and does not regret any of her children. Families have been shrinking dramatically in size and now it is uncommon to have more than three children, but that does not give strangers, friends, or family the right to comment on how many children you should have or how long you should wait between each one. 

My Family

I have been married to my husband, Drew, for almost seven years and we have one little girl and one little boy. She just turned five and he will be two in a few months. We don't have a set number of how many children we will have, but we know that we want a large family. We want our children to have siblings they can grow up with and be friends and have a support system.

Family is the most important thing to me and I am so excited for my children to grow up with siblings. I love being a mom and teaching my children something new every day. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to be a wife and mother. I look forward to each child that will join our family whether planned or not. I love watching my husband with my kids and I can see him soften when he holds and plays with them. I can also see how much they love their daddy and the wonderful influence he has on them. When they look at me, tell me they love me, and give me a kisses, I remember what family is all about. Family is the most important thing we have and I want to do all I can to not take mine for granted.

Final Thought

Let's make sure we make our family our priority every day. Worry less about what the world thinks, or what your friends or neighbors think about how you raise your family or how many kids you choose to have. Family is a personal decision and one that only you and your spouse should make. 

 

HOW TO:

WORK TOGETHER

"Family work provides endless opportunities to recognize...love and serve one another..." (Hawkins,213).

Why?

Working together as a family teaches responsibility, love, teamwork, patience, and charity. Housework used to be one of the main family projects; everyone had a room to clean or an assignment to fulfill. Today, those chores are mostly completed by mom and dad. Now, it is thought that it is cruel to make a child do chores; it takes away their childhood. I believe strongly that work is good for kids. I am not promoting child labor laws, but vacuuming the house, making beds, cleaning cars, mowing the lawn, etc. can be beneficial to your child's future. If we do not teach our kids how to work when they are little then when will they learn?

Working together as a family also builds relationships. I cannot tell you how many times my siblings and I cranked up the music and started cleaning the house. We sang, laughed, and talked the whole way through and learned how to work together. Many days, it was the last thing I wanted to do, but it had to be done. I learned that chores may not always be simple or enjoyable, but I also learned that the benefit of a clean house was worth the work.

Working together does not have to be miserable. Make it a game! We did competitions of who could get done first or see who could shoot the dirty clothes into the laundry basket. Eventually we got to the point where we would ask my dad if he needed help mowing the lawn or cleaning the basement. Why? Because we liked accomplishing something. Because we felt needed. Because we loved spending time with him!




What's In It For Me?

Children do not need an allowance or money for taking out the garbage or doing dishes; these chores are not optional! Chores around the house are done by those who live there. Not all things in life come with a money reward. We do them because we have to, so we can live in a clean house, and because it is our job as a family to help each other.











Working together is great because you are not only accomplishing something, but you are together. When you are together, you learn to use team work, patience, and how to create and maintain friendships.

Not Always The Easy Thing To Do 

Teaching kids how to cook, do dishes, or clean up after themselves is not an easy task, but it has to be done. The other day I asked my two year old to throw something in the garbage and put something in the sink. Her face LIT UP when she came back and told me that she did it all by herself. Giving kids work (no matter how small it may be) gives them confidence that they can complete things on their own. It is not easy having her help me bake cookies or do dishes because I can get it done faster if she doesn't help, but she loves it and I am teaching her that work is a valuable asset to possess.



Sometimes we have to remember that it is not the action that matters, but rather the principle or the lesson behind the action. Kids need to know that they are a part of the family and they are required to help. Work shows them that they are needed and essential in the family.


Final Thought

"Daily rituals of cooking, packing lunches, washing dishes, making beds, folding laundry, weeding gardens, sweeping floors, and countless other prosaic tasks are the invisible glue that can bind families together. Instead of asking how to make such work go away, parents should ask how to use it to increase love and joy in their families" (Hawkins,223). 

HOW TO:

Defend the Sanctity of Human Life

Human life is sacred and should not be taken lightly. Each baby is a miracle and deserves to live a long and happy life. It is not the baby's fault if the parents are irresponsible; the child cannot prevent being created. The ability to create life is sacred and it is a gift that was meant to bring joy. 

I am a firm believer in the sanctity of life. I do not believe in abortion unless the mother or child's life is in danger. There are other extreme or rare cases of rape or incest in which the mother may be so traumatized by the event that a pregnancy is more than she can bear. Only a small percentage of abortions come from these extreme situations. Most abortions occur from irresponsible sex, in which people are abusing their procreative powers. They selfishly decide that they don't want to be parents or take care of a child, so they choose to kill their own child.

Mother Theresa says it best when she says, 

"Many people are deeply concerned with the children of India, with the children of Africa where quite a few die of hunger. Many people are also concerned about all the violence in this great country of the United States. These concerns are very good. But often these same people are not concerned with the millions who are being killed by the deliberate decision of their own mothers. And this is what is the greatest destroyer of peace today-abortion, which brings people to such blindness. 

She goes on to say,

 "By abortion, the mother kills even her own child to solve her problems. And, by abortion, the father is told that he does not have to take any responsibility at all for the child he has brought into the world. That father is likely to put other women into the same trouble. So abortion leads to abortion. Any country that accepts abortion is not teaching its people to love but to use violence to get what they want. This is why the greatest destroyer of peace is abortion" (Hawkins, 294). 

I could not say it any better than that. Abortion is an extremely selfish and cruel act in which the parents take no responsibility for their actions. I can understand not being ready or wanting a child, but to end the child's life is murder. There are so many people waiting to adopt babies all around the world and to think that some people are purposely killing their children because they don't want them is disgusting. If you really don't want children, then don't have sex or use one of the many birth control aids.

This little girl wrote a speech about abortion and I thought it was perfect for this section. Even though she is so young, she fully understands the affects of abortion and how wrong it is. 

Final Thought

I firmly believe that human life is sacred. I believe that children are a blessing whether they are planned or not. I believe that adoption is a wonderful gift and wish that adoption was the avenue used instead of abortion or children raising children. I believe that abortion is wrong and that no matter how much time passes or even if you have children in the future, the decision to end a life, will weigh upon you for the rest of your life.

HOW TO:

PARENT WITH LOVE, LIMITS, AND LATITUDE

Before I begin this section, I want to start with a quote from James E. Faust, "Child rearing is so individualistic. Every child is different and unique. What works with one may not work with another" (Hawkins, 104).

Love

"Children are less likely to push limits and seek attention through misbehavior when they feel that they are a high priority in their parents' lives" (Hawkins, 108). 
In order to teach our children, we have to love them. Our children need to know that we love them. We have to be a real friend to our kids; take time to laugh, play, listen, and hug them. They have to know that we respect them and want the best for them. Another part of showing love is spending time with them. M. Russell Ballard said, "Mothers [and fathers] must not fall into the trap of believing that 'quality' time can replace 'quantity' time. Quality is a direct function of quantity-" (Hawkins, 109).
In order to love, respect, and appreciate our kids we have to spend time with them.

Limits

In order to properly parent, limits have to be set for our children. "In order to make the home a place of security, parents build a safety net of appropriate limits for their children, generously communicate their approval of desirable behavior, and help children understand how to regulate themselves" (Hawkins, 109). Kids need structure. From the time they are little, children thrive on schedules and knowing what is going to happen next. If parents set clear limits to what is and is not acceptable, it makes it easier for the kids to understand what is expected of them and it helps the parents and children communicate more effectively.
Parents have to remember that kids need boundaries, but they also have to remember to not make too many rules and make sure that they are all realistic.
"Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him" (Hawkins, 110). A loving parent sets limits because they want their children to make good choices, learn responsibility, and have happy childhoods.
Setting limits and having consequences when those limits are broken makes for a sure foundation in a home. I am a fan of natural consequences because the child can many times figure out what the punishment would be if they were to break the rule. In many ways it gives them the full knowledge of their choice and the consequences attached. Just as in adult life, we know that if you don't go to work you will get fired or if you touch a hot stove you will get burned and children can have that same knowledge even in small matters. For example, if they are mean to a sibling, they must do an act of service for that sibling, or if they are late for curfew then they have an earlier curfew until they regain the trust. Punishments or consequences are different for each family and parent have to judge what works for their family and that child. When a rule is broken, it has to be known that there will be a consequence and parents must be consistent and follow through with that consequence.

Latitude
With limits also come latitude. We all make mistakes and we all learn from them. Parents have to understand that their kids are not perfect and that they will have to be a little lenient sometimes and work with their kids on issues that are not black and white. Children need some latitude in life to prove to their parents that they can be responsible and make good choices on their own. Of course, if they do not make good choices then they there will be consequences and then the limits set in again.
 Not only does latitude mean listening and talking to our children about mistakes, it also means that all kids are different and parenting has to be a little flexible. What is needed for one child may be the opposite thing needed for another. There is not a tell all book of how to parent, it comes to doing our best and balancing autonomy and regulation for each child.

Let's take the advice from Eleanor Roosevelt and help our kids become responsible on their own. We cannot lead from an authoritarian perspective, but we can lead as an authoritative leader who loves them and is leading them in words and in example.



Final Thought
We all wish we had all the right answers to parenting. The truth is, NOBODY has all the answers. Each parent is different and each child is different. We just have to keep moving forward and doing our best, but I  do believe that when parenting incorporates love, limits, and latitude, our jobs as parents can be made a little bit easier.

HOW TO:

FIND ACTIVITIES FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY

"Wholesome family recreation can help us strengthen our relationship and reduce negative emotional and spiritual consequences" (Hawkins,225). 

The Purpose

"The purpose of this..is to explore how our recreational choices directly influence quality of life for both individuals and families" (Hawkins, 225).

The Change

Family dinners, nights, game nights, and vacations used to be such a common occurrence. Now kids have school all day, activities at night, obligations on weekends and want to invite friends on vacation. The foundation of the family is faltering, and by slowing down and focusing on the family can help solve this problem. Children are over-scheduled and their hours of "free-time has declined by 12 hours per week" and the number of families who eat together has gone down by 33% (Hawkins 228). Families are together less often than they used to be and activities in the family have changed from board games to movies. Our kids have less quantity of time and also less quality time. It is time to make a change. 

We went from this...

to this...

and now...

The Problem

With kids whose ages range from 1 to 10, how can you possibly find an activity that everyone will enjoy? It CAN be done. It may take trial and error and some weeks may focus a little more on one kid than another, but it doesn't really matter what you choose to do, as long as you are together. Kids like attention, they want mom and dad to focus on them and participate in an event. Whether you bake cookies together, go ice skating, or play ball at a park, it doesn't matter; what matters is getting to know your children and showing them that they are your first priority. 

The Challenge

Chuck E Cheese is right when they said, "Fun for everyone, makes a family strong!"(Chuckecheese.com).  In order to have a strong family that can make it through the rough patches of life, you have to spend time together and have fun together. You have to know each other well enough that you feel comfortable turning to them for love and guidance. 

I challenge all of my readers to take a look at their schedules and their children's schedules and try to cut some things out. I can tell you that most things are not as important as spending time as a family.

I also challenge you to make one night family night and find an activity each week for the whole family to do together. Here are some ideas to help you out....

1. bake a treat

2. go for a walk/hike

3. play at a park or beach

4. go ice skating/ rollerskating

5. find a local museum

6. go to a water park

7. bonfire

8. have a picnic

9. play a sport

10. fishing

11. bowling

12. bike ride

13. sports game 

14. volunteer at a shelter/ school/ or neighborhood event

15. movie night

16. play cards or board games

17. BBQ

18. four-wheeling

19. go camping

20. do a relay or a 5k

And this is only the beginning. There are so many great things you can do as a family. Take a night to discuss some things each person wants to do and try to incorporate those into your life. A great way to incorporate all of these ideas is to put your own family ideas into a jar and pull out an event each week or each month and do it together as a family. You could assign each activity a week on the calendar or even take turns letting your kids decide what activity they want to do each week.

And lastly, I challenge you to eat dinner every night as a family. Of course, there are some days that it is not possible, but make it a priority! Dinnertime is a time to socialize, find out about how days went, talk about interesting topics, and laugh together. Dinnertime is a time to be grateful for your family, food, and all  blessings in life. It is a time to shut out the world and be together with your family. 

If we want stronger families, we have to be together. Strong families come from memories shared, times of tears and laughter, and times of just being together. Family is the most important thing we have so please don't let a day go by that you don't cherish your family. 

What We Love To Do

We make special occasions such as birthdays and baby blessings a family affair, but we also enjoy the simple days of going to the park, beach, bonfires, and getting a pizza with the whole family.

                                                     

I am so grateful that my husband and I make time for our whole family so that our children get quantity as well as quality time with us. We want our kids to be friends and enjoy family time. We enjoy going to the beach, eating out, going for drives, playing games on the I Pad, and playing sports together. We look forward to all of the other wonderful activities we can do as our family grows and our kids get bigger.

We know that it doesn't matter what we choose to do, as long as family is our priority.

HOW TO:

BE A GREAT MOM

"For most of our history, the word motherhood meant honor, endearment, and sacrifice...Yet this spirit of self-sacrifice has become a contentious issue in recent years, making contentious the very idea of motherhood" (Hawkins, 129).

Starting in the late 1960's many women started writing and publishing their thoughts of how motherhood makes women unequal from men and takes away so many opportunities. They talked about how there was no meaning in a woman's life if she was "mainly engaged in child rearing" (Hawkins, 129). After articles such as this were posted, women were broken into two groups. Mothers who felt liberated to not feel the burden of motherhood, and the women who still found motherhood fulfilling and meaningful.

I believe that motherhood is the most important part of my life on Earth. I believe that I was blessed with a body that could perform this wonderful miracle of carrying a child and bringing them into the world. I was also given the desire to love and nurture another person. Do I believe that all women were given these feelings? No, but I think the majority of women that I know do have these desires. 

The first presidency in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said that, "Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels" (Hawkins, 130). Motherhood is such a blessing. God created all of his children and he gave the power to women to carry and care for his children here on Earth. This is an privilege I am so grateful for and I cannot imagine a greater gift than this.

Why Do Mothers Matter?

Physical

Children are literally a part of the mother from the beginning of their lives. They need mom to survive. They need a healthy mother who does not drink, smoke, or do anything that would harm them in these crucial months of development. Mother is the first person to feel baby kick in her belly. Mother is the first person baby sees when they enter into the world, she is the person he relies on to feed him and love him. She is the first to kiss, love, and hold him when he is born. She is responsible to care for this new and fragile little person. 

Not only do children need mother to physically care for them, but also socially and emotionally. David O. McKay said, "Motherhood is the greatest potential influence either for good or ill in human life" (Hawkins, 131). Researchers found that the way mothers interact with their children was a great predictor of their social, cognitive, and emotional development (Hawkins, 132).

Social

"Children seem to do best when mothers show love by communicating about and being aware of their activities and behaviors. Expressing love through listening, communicating, and monitoring enables a mother to be warm and supportive while setting and enforcing appropriate limits. Studies consistently indicate that adolescents who report telling their mothers where they are going and what they will be doing after school and on weekends report lower rates of alcohol misuse, drug use, sexual activity, and delinquency" (Hawkins, 133).

Emotional

Children do better when they have a mother who is available to talk about emotional issues. Research shows that children are most likely to share feelings and thoughts right after school hours. When mothers were available during this transition time of the day, the children were more inclined to share their thoughts than they were to mothers that didn't come home until later. When mothers are available to their children at the child's convenience rather than the mother's, the child is more likely to confide in the mom and trust her with thoughts and  feelings.

 And so much more...

Mothers are crucial to their children. Mothers are responsible for the things listed above as well as so many others that are not listed. They somehow get lunches made, kids out the door for school, dinner on the table, pick their kids up from school and practices, help with homework, do the laundry, do the dishes, read at story time, get kids ready for bed, in bed, and prepare to do it all again the next day. Mom is the anchor of the family that keeps everybody grounded. She keeps them on schedule for whatever may be in their lives. Mom holds the family together emotionally. She is not only there for her children, but also for her husband.

Overwhelming

Motherhood is overwhelming to say the least. When you have multiple people looking to you every day for food, help, and attention, it is easy to get worn out. All mothers, not matter what they say, need a break. We need time to rejuvenate and compress from our hectic lives. 

I asked my two year old daughter today what it feels like to have a drink put in your hand and food on the table when hungry. She looked at me and said "good". Oh the life of a child! 

Moms, we cannot be super-mom, super-wife, super-volunteer all the time. In order to be great moms, we have to take a break. We have to take time for ourselves and step away from all the responsibility. Find time each day, each week, each month; whatever you can get, to recover from your busy life. Tell dad that it is his turn for the next hour or day, or weekend, so you can rest and take a break.

 Keep telling yourself that you are doing your best. There are so many days that I am ready to just break down and give up for the day, but then I remember to just do my best to make it through the rest of the day and that they next day will start fresh and I can try a little harder tomorrow. 

Final Thought

Motherhood is hard, it is challenging each day, but it will bring the sweetest reward imaginable. With great sacrifice comes great reward. Keep moving forward and you will see your hard work pay off. You will be blessed with children who love you. You will see your children grow, graduate, and start families of their own. You will be blessed with grandchildren and a legacy to leave behind. All of that will be because of you and your husband and the hard work you put in each day to make sure they were fed, dressed, and loved. 

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed, for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee: yea, I will help thee: (Isaiah 41:10).

The Lord blessed us with the wonderful responsibility to care for and love His children; He will not leave us to do this task alone. Remember to care for yourself and ask for help from Heavenly Father. He will strengthen and help you through each day. 

HOW TO:

BE A GREAT DAD


Any guy can have a child,
 it takes a man to be a DAD.

"Fathers make a fundamental difference in parenting across generations"(Hawkins, 140).

John Snarey, who investigated fatherhood, stated, "Good fathering, it seems, really does matter. It matters over a long time, over a lifetime, and even over generations" (Hawkins, 141). The book goes on to say that, "...fathers matter, their choices matter, and the work they do in raising the next generation matters immensely" (Hawkins, 141).



I asked my friend Cyndi, who is a teacher, if she could pick out the kids in her classroom who had a father present in their lives just through attitudes and personality at school. She told me it was very noticeable which kids had dads at home. The kids who didn't have a father at home tended to be the class clowns, have behavior problems, and would seek attention in any way they could to make up for what they missed at home. She said it was more obvious with boys, but she could pick the kids out of class by their behavior after a short time.

Fathers are Important

Harold B. Lee, when President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said, "The most important of the Lord's work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes" (Hawkins, 141). He is right. If we want to have a better life today, a better life tomorrow, and a better life for our children, then the only things that matter are what happen in the home. What we are teaching our children and the examples we are, will determine who they become and the choices they make. Fathers have a big impact on children. "...fathers are essential to children's healthy development" (Hawkins, 140).

Children who have a father in the home have fewer social problems, they perform better in school, have less behavior issues, are more likely to abstain from sex in early years, and are less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. This fact alone shows the importance of a father in the home. 

Roles of Dad

Successful Marriages and Families states that they believe a fathers role is to preside, partner, be present, provide, and protect. We see again what a big part in mom's life and in child's life that dad plays.

Preside
The Proclamation to the World: The Family states that, "...fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness". Fathers are to be the spiritual leaders as well as the temporal leaders. Fathers are to love, direct, and teach their children in all areas of their lives.



Partner with Wife
Dad and Mom are partners. "...parenthood was framed as a joint partnership within the context of a committed relationship between husband and wife, as father and mother...In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners" (Hawkins, 141). Even if mother and father are not married, it is still so important to have a positive working relationship when raising your children.



Partner with Children
Howard W. Hunter while President of the LDS church said that fathers need to "earn the respect and confidence of [their] children through [their] loving relationship with them" and that they need dad's "time and presence in their social, educational, and spiritual activities and responsibilities" as well as provide "tender expressions of love and affection toward children" (Hawkins, 143).
How can we expect for children to be influenced by their fathers if the fathers are not respected or involved in their lives? In order for kids to respect, love, and listen to their fathers, dad's have to obtain a relationship with the child.
I love this clip! These dad's have truely partnered with their children.

             Be Present

Being in the home is not enough; fathers need to be present in their children's lives.  They have to be available to their kids and conscious of what is happening in their world. Being a great dad "requires both quantity and quality time" (Hawkins, 144). To be present is "to be there (physical), to be aware (psychological), and to give care (practical)" (Hawkins, 145). Make sure your kids know you love them and that they are worth your time.




                                                                           To Provide

Fathers are to "provide for their physical and spiritual needs" and fathers are "to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families" (Hawkins, 145). Fathers need to make sure that their families have a roof over their heads, food on the table, clothes on their backs, as well as making sure they are provided with spiritual replenishment. He is to provide them with the knowledge of how to pray, provide the example of how to be a good husband, father, and man in society. Fathers are to provide love, care, guidance, support, and necessities in life. Children need both parents to provide for all of their emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. 

                           

                                                   To Protect

From the moment that little baby is born, fathers take on the role of protector. So many times he is the one that locks the doors each night and worries about the family when he is not home; he is the protector. Not only is the man the physical protector, but also the emotional protector. 

Children need good examples in fathers to learn how to live. If children see their father protecting his own body from harm such as cigarettes and alcohol, they are likely to do the same. If they see him model good behavior, they again will want to be like dad. "...fathers can 'actively protect their children by helping them make wise choices about the literature they read, the movies they see, the television programs they watch, the Internet sites they visit, and friendships they establish'" (Hawkins, 147). Fathers have the influence on their children to help them make good decisions and spare them the emotional tragedies they many times children would have faced had they not had a father's example and guidance. 

HOW TO: 

REPENT AND FORGIVE

"Repentance and forgiveness are two sides of the same coin and are frequently addressed together" (Hawkins, 201).

Repentance must come before forgiveness. If we have faltered for any reason, we must recognize it and decide to make a change. We cannot ask forgiveness for something we do not regret or intend to change.

WHAT DOES REPENTANCE  HAVE TO DO WITH MARRIAGE?

[Repentance] is much more than just acknowledging wrongdoings. It is a change of mind and heart that gives us a fresh view about God, about ourselves, [about our spouse], and about the world. It includes turning away from sin and turning to God for forgiveness. It is motivated by love for God and the sincere desire to obey His commandments" (LDS.org).

Not only is repentance needed in religion, but also in families. Everybody makes mistakes and rather than dissolve relationships because of it, we are given the opportunity to repent and start fresh. 
I am as guilty as any when I tell you that I have hurt my husbands feelings; said something a little too harshly, or even embarrassed him in public. Most times it is unintentional, but I make plenty of mistakes so I am so grateful for the chance to repent of my wrong doings.
This is a two way road. I am not always the one seeking repentance and forgiveness. There have been times that my husband has been in the wrong and has repented for his words or actions.

STEP 1

"Repentance is achieved through humility and empathy...humility is the opposite of arrogance, narcissism, or pride" (Hawkins, 203). It takes a strong person to set aside their pride and truly repent for their misdeed. 
Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the twelve Apostles for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints talks of repentance in such a beautiful way. He says, "There can be no repentance without recognition of wrong...After recognition, real remorse floods the soul...There can be no real repentance without personal suffering and the passage of sufficient time for the needed cleansing and turning...[and finally]True repentance also includes confession: " (LDS.org).
He says this so perfectly. Repentance is an individual effort that requires thought, regret, and remorse, and change. It is something we must achieve ourselves with the help our Father in Heaven. As we repent for our sins, it gives us more desire to seek forgiveness from others.

Repentance is the first step to freeing ourselves from the pain and guilt we feel from the sin we committed. If we are truly repentant, then we will feel sorrow and remorse, but when we start to correct the action and repent we will feel our burden become a little lighter. 

STEP 2

In order to ask forgiveness, you must have to truly regret your words or actions. You cannot repent for something you intend to do again. 

There are different types of forgiveness. There are moments when both parties are at fault, some where only one person is at fault, and lastly, there is one way forgiveness where the other party cannot participate for reasons such as death or sexual abuse. 

I am only going to focus on forgiveness when one party is at fault. Many times in marriage we make mistakes and we have to love the other person enough to seek forgiveness. We need to repent of our actions and then do all we can to reconcile the misdeed.
In order to properly ask forgiveness, the offender needs to be aware of the following:
1. Knowledge of exactly what they did wrong- You have to understand that what you did was wrong. You also need to address it in your apology. Most times specificity is key to helping the other person know you are apologetic.
2. Expression of regret and remorse-Show them that you regret your decision. Don't try to minimize your actions or think that the other party is over-reacting.
3. Make a suitable offer of restitution-Try to come up with a way to make the problem better. Many times the effort to mend the issue will help the other person see that you want to resolve the issue.
4. Pledge to reform that behavior so it does not occur again-you cannot ask forgiveness for an act you intend on doing again. That defeats the purpose of asking forgiveness.
"The apology will fail if any of the steps is missing or inadequate" (Hawkins, 204).

Forgiveness is meant to help the offender and the victim move forward and on with their lives. 

"Genuine forgiveness is a process..It is hard work and it takes time" (Hawkins, 205). Don't expect everything to be peachy right after an apology is given. The other party needs time to process your words and see that you mean them.
"However, in choosing to forgive, the victim now takes responsibility; he or she can not longer use the unpaid debt as an excuse for his or her own...ills" (Hawkins, 206).

FORGIVE BUT DON'T FORGET
Not all instances where repentance and forgiveness are needed are big issues. The other day I locked my husband out of our house and he had to wait on the porch for 20 minutes for me to get back with the key. I felt really bad and asked his forgiveness. This is not an instance that we will most likely remember in a few months. It doesn't have to be a big event to be repentant or ask forgiveness of a spouse or friends.

However, sometimes we are in the position where we need to repent or ask forgiveness for big sins. Sometimes we are the person being asked to forgive another. Most likely you will not forget the misdeed and in many cases it is better if you don't. If we remember what we did and how it felt, we are much less likely to repeat that same mistake.

We as humans remember the good times, but we also remember the hard times. It is unfair to hold those sins over the heads of our loved ones, and it is unfair to hold it above our own heads as well. The process of repentance and forgiveness should free us of that pain, but we will never forget the wrong that has been done. Elder Richard G. Scott of the twelve apostles for the LDS church stated, "There is no magic solution, no simple balm to provide healing, nor is there an easy path to the complete remedy. The cure requires profound faith in Jesus Christ and in His infinite capacity to heal" (Hawkins, 208)


FINAL THOUGHT
When we falter, we need to turn to the Savior to help us through. He suffered all things for us and knows our pains and sorrows. He knows the intent of our hearts and can help us through the process of repentance. He died for our sins and He is aware of us. If we rely on the Lord to help us, it will make the process of repentance and forgiveness much easier. We have been told that we must forgive all men and that includes forgiving ourselves for our own sins. Through repentance and forgiveness, relationships can make it through the rainy days and again see the sun.