HOW TO: 

REPENT AND FORGIVE

"Repentance and forgiveness are two sides of the same coin and are frequently addressed together" (Hawkins, 201).

Repentance must come before forgiveness. If we have faltered for any reason, we must recognize it and decide to make a change. We cannot ask forgiveness for something we do not regret or intend to change.

WHAT DOES REPENTANCE  HAVE TO DO WITH MARRIAGE?

[Repentance] is much more than just acknowledging wrongdoings. It is a change of mind and heart that gives us a fresh view about God, about ourselves, [about our spouse], and about the world. It includes turning away from sin and turning to God for forgiveness. It is motivated by love for God and the sincere desire to obey His commandments" (LDS.org).

Not only is repentance needed in religion, but also in families. Everybody makes mistakes and rather than dissolve relationships because of it, we are given the opportunity to repent and start fresh. 
I am as guilty as any when I tell you that I have hurt my husbands feelings; said something a little too harshly, or even embarrassed him in public. Most times it is unintentional, but I make plenty of mistakes so I am so grateful for the chance to repent of my wrong doings.
This is a two way road. I am not always the one seeking repentance and forgiveness. There have been times that my husband has been in the wrong and has repented for his words or actions.

STEP 1

"Repentance is achieved through humility and empathy...humility is the opposite of arrogance, narcissism, or pride" (Hawkins, 203). It takes a strong person to set aside their pride and truly repent for their misdeed. 
Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the twelve Apostles for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints talks of repentance in such a beautiful way. He says, "There can be no repentance without recognition of wrong...After recognition, real remorse floods the soul...There can be no real repentance without personal suffering and the passage of sufficient time for the needed cleansing and turning...[and finally]True repentance also includes confession: " (LDS.org).
He says this so perfectly. Repentance is an individual effort that requires thought, regret, and remorse, and change. It is something we must achieve ourselves with the help our Father in Heaven. As we repent for our sins, it gives us more desire to seek forgiveness from others.

Repentance is the first step to freeing ourselves from the pain and guilt we feel from the sin we committed. If we are truly repentant, then we will feel sorrow and remorse, but when we start to correct the action and repent we will feel our burden become a little lighter. 

STEP 2

In order to ask forgiveness, you must have to truly regret your words or actions. You cannot repent for something you intend to do again. 

There are different types of forgiveness. There are moments when both parties are at fault, some where only one person is at fault, and lastly, there is one way forgiveness where the other party cannot participate for reasons such as death or sexual abuse. 

I am only going to focus on forgiveness when one party is at fault. Many times in marriage we make mistakes and we have to love the other person enough to seek forgiveness. We need to repent of our actions and then do all we can to reconcile the misdeed.
In order to properly ask forgiveness, the offender needs to be aware of the following:
1. Knowledge of exactly what they did wrong- You have to understand that what you did was wrong. You also need to address it in your apology. Most times specificity is key to helping the other person know you are apologetic.
2. Expression of regret and remorse-Show them that you regret your decision. Don't try to minimize your actions or think that the other party is over-reacting.
3. Make a suitable offer of restitution-Try to come up with a way to make the problem better. Many times the effort to mend the issue will help the other person see that you want to resolve the issue.
4. Pledge to reform that behavior so it does not occur again-you cannot ask forgiveness for an act you intend on doing again. That defeats the purpose of asking forgiveness.
"The apology will fail if any of the steps is missing or inadequate" (Hawkins, 204).

Forgiveness is meant to help the offender and the victim move forward and on with their lives. 

"Genuine forgiveness is a process..It is hard work and it takes time" (Hawkins, 205). Don't expect everything to be peachy right after an apology is given. The other party needs time to process your words and see that you mean them.
"However, in choosing to forgive, the victim now takes responsibility; he or she can not longer use the unpaid debt as an excuse for his or her own...ills" (Hawkins, 206).

FORGIVE BUT DON'T FORGET
Not all instances where repentance and forgiveness are needed are big issues. The other day I locked my husband out of our house and he had to wait on the porch for 20 minutes for me to get back with the key. I felt really bad and asked his forgiveness. This is not an instance that we will most likely remember in a few months. It doesn't have to be a big event to be repentant or ask forgiveness of a spouse or friends.

However, sometimes we are in the position where we need to repent or ask forgiveness for big sins. Sometimes we are the person being asked to forgive another. Most likely you will not forget the misdeed and in many cases it is better if you don't. If we remember what we did and how it felt, we are much less likely to repeat that same mistake.

We as humans remember the good times, but we also remember the hard times. It is unfair to hold those sins over the heads of our loved ones, and it is unfair to hold it above our own heads as well. The process of repentance and forgiveness should free us of that pain, but we will never forget the wrong that has been done. Elder Richard G. Scott of the twelve apostles for the LDS church stated, "There is no magic solution, no simple balm to provide healing, nor is there an easy path to the complete remedy. The cure requires profound faith in Jesus Christ and in His infinite capacity to heal" (Hawkins, 208)


FINAL THOUGHT
When we falter, we need to turn to the Savior to help us through. He suffered all things for us and knows our pains and sorrows. He knows the intent of our hearts and can help us through the process of repentance. He died for our sins and He is aware of us. If we rely on the Lord to help us, it will make the process of repentance and forgiveness much easier. We have been told that we must forgive all men and that includes forgiving ourselves for our own sins. Through repentance and forgiveness, relationships can make it through the rainy days and again see the sun.