HOW TO:

HAVE AN ENDURING, AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

"While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstacy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person" (Spencer W. Kimball).

Successful marriages are possible. They happen every day and every year, yet we rarely seem to hear about those. Instead, we hear about the marriages that are coming to an end. With so much divorce and so many hard times in marriage, is it possible to have an enduring, happy, and healthy marriage? I am happy to say that the answer to this questions is "YES"! 

I read a book for one of my classes that I highly recommend to anyone that wants to make their marriage better, want to save their marriage, or just want better relationships in general. It is a book by John M. Gottman called, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. This book is incredible and it helps you understand your spouse, your role in the marriage, what to look out for in fights, and it even gives some activities of how to reconnect or turn to each other. 

I believe that this book holds the key for an enduring, happy, and healthy relationship. He states, "...the simple truth [is] that happy marriages are based on deep friendship. By this I mean mutual respect and enjoyment of each other's company" (Gottman, 19).

Friendship seems like such a simple answer, but it is very true. If you genuinely like your spouse and respect them then you can work through issues much more effectively. Couples fight, laugh, and have hard times, but if you have a foundation of friendship it makes it much easier to get back to solid ground. 

When I read this chapter, I thought of the show Parks and Rec because the main character Leslie and her husband always say, "I love you and I like you". At first it sounds silly, but to succeed in marriage you need both. You need to love your spouse, but it is so much easier if you actually like them as well. If you have a foundation of friendship it makes it easier to love your spouse and if you love your spouse you have the desire to become better friends. It is the circle of marriage. 

An Enduring Marriage

What can we do to help our marriage stand the test of time? I read a talk by Bruce C. Hafen called, "Covenant Hearts" that clarified this for me. In this he talks about the difference between a contractual marriage and a covenant marriage. Let me explain the difference. 

CONTRACT MARRIAGE

Contract Marriage- "When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they're receiving what they bargained for...contract companions each give 50 percent" (Hawkins, 28).

Contracts are man-made and can be broken. This comes with fees, penalties, hard times, and sometimes a time limit. Contracts talk of the benefits of each holder. They discuss how to keep the conditions ideal for both parties. 

COVENANT MARRIAGE

Covenant Marriage-In a covenant marriage, "husband and wife work through [troubles]. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God...covenant companions each give 100 percent. Enough and to spare. Each gives enough to cover any shortfall by the other" (Hawkins, 28).

Covenants are binding to one another and to God. Covenants don't only talk about your personal benefits. Covenants tell of the sacrifice and work you are willing to put in to a marriage, to yourself, and to God. A covenant is a promise you make to all three parties. Having a covenant marriage means that you do all you can to make the other person happy, that you fulfill your duties and obligations to your spouse and to God. Covenant marriages are when you decide to give yourself completely to another person and to become selfless. When the hard times come, you give even more of yourself and you do all you can to strengthen your spouse. You don't walk away from the rain; you step into the storm together. You decide from day one that no matter what, you will love, support, and encourage each other through life. 

Marriage does not fit into a contract! Marriage is not always ideal for both parties. Life throws curve balls and we have to learn to adapt. Sometimes we give more and sometimes we receive more. We are faced with health issues, job loss, and other challenges. Marriage cannot be planned out perfectly year by year or even day by day. It is not about self, it is about selflessness. Both parties must commit to giving the 100 percent and not only 50 percent in their marriage. 

We all change. The girl you married at 20 or the boy you married at 21 are different people at age 40 or 50. We all get older, we become wiser, we find new hobbies, new friends, we grow, we change. Couples in a covenant marriages promise to change and grow together rather than walk away when the other person changes. They make the decision to never fall out of love. 

HAPPY IN MARRIAGE

Happiness in marriage depends on friendship and having a covenant marriage. To be happy you have to be committed to the Lord and to your spouse completely. You have to never let yourself look for a way out, but rather a way to improve things with your partner and with the Lord. To be happy, you have to choose to be happy. Choose to stay connected to your spouse. Choose to be friends. You have to want them to be the person you tell your funny stories to, the person you cry to, the person you always turn to. Not only that, but you have to be that person for them. Show them that you care, that you love them, and that you also like them. Be their friend. Do all you can to strengthen your friendship with your spouse. If you are friends, then you have won half the battle. 

FINAL THOUGHT

"Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse" (Gottman, 20).