HOW TO:

PARENT WITH LOVE, LIMITS, AND LATITUDE

Before I begin this section, I want to start with a quote from James E. Faust, "Child rearing is so individualistic. Every child is different and unique. What works with one may not work with another" (Hawkins, 104).

Love

"Children are less likely to push limits and seek attention through misbehavior when they feel that they are a high priority in their parents' lives" (Hawkins, 108). 
In order to teach our children, we have to love them. Our children need to know that we love them. We have to be a real friend to our kids; take time to laugh, play, listen, and hug them. They have to know that we respect them and want the best for them. Another part of showing love is spending time with them. M. Russell Ballard said, "Mothers [and fathers] must not fall into the trap of believing that 'quality' time can replace 'quantity' time. Quality is a direct function of quantity-" (Hawkins, 109).
In order to love, respect, and appreciate our kids we have to spend time with them.

Limits

In order to properly parent, limits have to be set for our children. "In order to make the home a place of security, parents build a safety net of appropriate limits for their children, generously communicate their approval of desirable behavior, and help children understand how to regulate themselves" (Hawkins, 109). Kids need structure. From the time they are little, children thrive on schedules and knowing what is going to happen next. If parents set clear limits to what is and is not acceptable, it makes it easier for the kids to understand what is expected of them and it helps the parents and children communicate more effectively.
Parents have to remember that kids need boundaries, but they also have to remember to not make too many rules and make sure that they are all realistic.
"Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him" (Hawkins, 110). A loving parent sets limits because they want their children to make good choices, learn responsibility, and have happy childhoods.
Setting limits and having consequences when those limits are broken makes for a sure foundation in a home. I am a fan of natural consequences because the child can many times figure out what the punishment would be if they were to break the rule. In many ways it gives them the full knowledge of their choice and the consequences attached. Just as in adult life, we know that if you don't go to work you will get fired or if you touch a hot stove you will get burned and children can have that same knowledge even in small matters. For example, if they are mean to a sibling, they must do an act of service for that sibling, or if they are late for curfew then they have an earlier curfew until they regain the trust. Punishments or consequences are different for each family and parent have to judge what works for their family and that child. When a rule is broken, it has to be known that there will be a consequence and parents must be consistent and follow through with that consequence.

Latitude
With limits also come latitude. We all make mistakes and we all learn from them. Parents have to understand that their kids are not perfect and that they will have to be a little lenient sometimes and work with their kids on issues that are not black and white. Children need some latitude in life to prove to their parents that they can be responsible and make good choices on their own. Of course, if they do not make good choices then they there will be consequences and then the limits set in again.
 Not only does latitude mean listening and talking to our children about mistakes, it also means that all kids are different and parenting has to be a little flexible. What is needed for one child may be the opposite thing needed for another. There is not a tell all book of how to parent, it comes to doing our best and balancing autonomy and regulation for each child.

Let's take the advice from Eleanor Roosevelt and help our kids become responsible on their own. We cannot lead from an authoritarian perspective, but we can lead as an authoritative leader who loves them and is leading them in words and in example.



Final Thought
We all wish we had all the right answers to parenting. The truth is, NOBODY has all the answers. Each parent is different and each child is different. We just have to keep moving forward and doing our best, but I  do believe that when parenting incorporates love, limits, and latitude, our jobs as parents can be made a little bit easier.

HOW TO:

FIND ACTIVITIES FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY

"Wholesome family recreation can help us strengthen our relationship and reduce negative emotional and spiritual consequences" (Hawkins,225). 

The Purpose

"The purpose of this..is to explore how our recreational choices directly influence quality of life for both individuals and families" (Hawkins, 225).

The Change

Family dinners, nights, game nights, and vacations used to be such a common occurrence. Now kids have school all day, activities at night, obligations on weekends and want to invite friends on vacation. The foundation of the family is faltering, and by slowing down and focusing on the family can help solve this problem. Children are over-scheduled and their hours of "free-time has declined by 12 hours per week" and the number of families who eat together has gone down by 33% (Hawkins 228). Families are together less often than they used to be and activities in the family have changed from board games to movies. Our kids have less quantity of time and also less quality time. It is time to make a change. 

We went from this...

to this...

and now...

The Problem

With kids whose ages range from 1 to 10, how can you possibly find an activity that everyone will enjoy? It CAN be done. It may take trial and error and some weeks may focus a little more on one kid than another, but it doesn't really matter what you choose to do, as long as you are together. Kids like attention, they want mom and dad to focus on them and participate in an event. Whether you bake cookies together, go ice skating, or play ball at a park, it doesn't matter; what matters is getting to know your children and showing them that they are your first priority. 

The Challenge

Chuck E Cheese is right when they said, "Fun for everyone, makes a family strong!"(Chuckecheese.com).  In order to have a strong family that can make it through the rough patches of life, you have to spend time together and have fun together. You have to know each other well enough that you feel comfortable turning to them for love and guidance. 

I challenge all of my readers to take a look at their schedules and their children's schedules and try to cut some things out. I can tell you that most things are not as important as spending time as a family.

I also challenge you to make one night family night and find an activity each week for the whole family to do together. Here are some ideas to help you out....

1. bake a treat

2. go for a walk/hike

3. play at a park or beach

4. go ice skating/ rollerskating

5. find a local museum

6. go to a water park

7. bonfire

8. have a picnic

9. play a sport

10. fishing

11. bowling

12. bike ride

13. sports game 

14. volunteer at a shelter/ school/ or neighborhood event

15. movie night

16. play cards or board games

17. BBQ

18. four-wheeling

19. go camping

20. do a relay or a 5k

And this is only the beginning. There are so many great things you can do as a family. Take a night to discuss some things each person wants to do and try to incorporate those into your life. A great way to incorporate all of these ideas is to put your own family ideas into a jar and pull out an event each week or each month and do it together as a family. You could assign each activity a week on the calendar or even take turns letting your kids decide what activity they want to do each week.

And lastly, I challenge you to eat dinner every night as a family. Of course, there are some days that it is not possible, but make it a priority! Dinnertime is a time to socialize, find out about how days went, talk about interesting topics, and laugh together. Dinnertime is a time to be grateful for your family, food, and all  blessings in life. It is a time to shut out the world and be together with your family. 

If we want stronger families, we have to be together. Strong families come from memories shared, times of tears and laughter, and times of just being together. Family is the most important thing we have so please don't let a day go by that you don't cherish your family. 

What We Love To Do

We make special occasions such as birthdays and baby blessings a family affair, but we also enjoy the simple days of going to the park, beach, bonfires, and getting a pizza with the whole family.

                                                     

I am so grateful that my husband and I make time for our whole family so that our children get quantity as well as quality time with us. We want our kids to be friends and enjoy family time. We enjoy going to the beach, eating out, going for drives, playing games on the I Pad, and playing sports together. We look forward to all of the other wonderful activities we can do as our family grows and our kids get bigger.

We know that it doesn't matter what we choose to do, as long as family is our priority.

HOW TO:

BE A GREAT MOM

"For most of our history, the word motherhood meant honor, endearment, and sacrifice...Yet this spirit of self-sacrifice has become a contentious issue in recent years, making contentious the very idea of motherhood" (Hawkins, 129).

Starting in the late 1960's many women started writing and publishing their thoughts of how motherhood makes women unequal from men and takes away so many opportunities. They talked about how there was no meaning in a woman's life if she was "mainly engaged in child rearing" (Hawkins, 129). After articles such as this were posted, women were broken into two groups. Mothers who felt liberated to not feel the burden of motherhood, and the women who still found motherhood fulfilling and meaningful.

I believe that motherhood is the most important part of my life on Earth. I believe that I was blessed with a body that could perform this wonderful miracle of carrying a child and bringing them into the world. I was also given the desire to love and nurture another person. Do I believe that all women were given these feelings? No, but I think the majority of women that I know do have these desires. 

The first presidency in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said that, "Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels" (Hawkins, 130). Motherhood is such a blessing. God created all of his children and he gave the power to women to carry and care for his children here on Earth. This is an privilege I am so grateful for and I cannot imagine a greater gift than this.

Why Do Mothers Matter?

Physical

Children are literally a part of the mother from the beginning of their lives. They need mom to survive. They need a healthy mother who does not drink, smoke, or do anything that would harm them in these crucial months of development. Mother is the first person to feel baby kick in her belly. Mother is the first person baby sees when they enter into the world, she is the person he relies on to feed him and love him. She is the first to kiss, love, and hold him when he is born. She is responsible to care for this new and fragile little person. 

Not only do children need mother to physically care for them, but also socially and emotionally. David O. McKay said, "Motherhood is the greatest potential influence either for good or ill in human life" (Hawkins, 131). Researchers found that the way mothers interact with their children was a great predictor of their social, cognitive, and emotional development (Hawkins, 132).

Social

"Children seem to do best when mothers show love by communicating about and being aware of their activities and behaviors. Expressing love through listening, communicating, and monitoring enables a mother to be warm and supportive while setting and enforcing appropriate limits. Studies consistently indicate that adolescents who report telling their mothers where they are going and what they will be doing after school and on weekends report lower rates of alcohol misuse, drug use, sexual activity, and delinquency" (Hawkins, 133).

Emotional

Children do better when they have a mother who is available to talk about emotional issues. Research shows that children are most likely to share feelings and thoughts right after school hours. When mothers were available during this transition time of the day, the children were more inclined to share their thoughts than they were to mothers that didn't come home until later. When mothers are available to their children at the child's convenience rather than the mother's, the child is more likely to confide in the mom and trust her with thoughts and  feelings.

 And so much more...

Mothers are crucial to their children. Mothers are responsible for the things listed above as well as so many others that are not listed. They somehow get lunches made, kids out the door for school, dinner on the table, pick their kids up from school and practices, help with homework, do the laundry, do the dishes, read at story time, get kids ready for bed, in bed, and prepare to do it all again the next day. Mom is the anchor of the family that keeps everybody grounded. She keeps them on schedule for whatever may be in their lives. Mom holds the family together emotionally. She is not only there for her children, but also for her husband.

Overwhelming

Motherhood is overwhelming to say the least. When you have multiple people looking to you every day for food, help, and attention, it is easy to get worn out. All mothers, not matter what they say, need a break. We need time to rejuvenate and compress from our hectic lives. 

I asked my two year old daughter today what it feels like to have a drink put in your hand and food on the table when hungry. She looked at me and said "good". Oh the life of a child! 

Moms, we cannot be super-mom, super-wife, super-volunteer all the time. In order to be great moms, we have to take a break. We have to take time for ourselves and step away from all the responsibility. Find time each day, each week, each month; whatever you can get, to recover from your busy life. Tell dad that it is his turn for the next hour or day, or weekend, so you can rest and take a break.

 Keep telling yourself that you are doing your best. There are so many days that I am ready to just break down and give up for the day, but then I remember to just do my best to make it through the rest of the day and that they next day will start fresh and I can try a little harder tomorrow. 

Final Thought

Motherhood is hard, it is challenging each day, but it will bring the sweetest reward imaginable. With great sacrifice comes great reward. Keep moving forward and you will see your hard work pay off. You will be blessed with children who love you. You will see your children grow, graduate, and start families of their own. You will be blessed with grandchildren and a legacy to leave behind. All of that will be because of you and your husband and the hard work you put in each day to make sure they were fed, dressed, and loved. 

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed, for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee: yea, I will help thee: (Isaiah 41:10).

The Lord blessed us with the wonderful responsibility to care for and love His children; He will not leave us to do this task alone. Remember to care for yourself and ask for help from Heavenly Father. He will strengthen and help you through each day. 

HOW TO:

BE A GREAT DAD


Any guy can have a child,
 it takes a man to be a DAD.

"Fathers make a fundamental difference in parenting across generations"(Hawkins, 140).

John Snarey, who investigated fatherhood, stated, "Good fathering, it seems, really does matter. It matters over a long time, over a lifetime, and even over generations" (Hawkins, 141). The book goes on to say that, "...fathers matter, their choices matter, and the work they do in raising the next generation matters immensely" (Hawkins, 141).



I asked my friend Cyndi, who is a teacher, if she could pick out the kids in her classroom who had a father present in their lives just through attitudes and personality at school. She told me it was very noticeable which kids had dads at home. The kids who didn't have a father at home tended to be the class clowns, have behavior problems, and would seek attention in any way they could to make up for what they missed at home. She said it was more obvious with boys, but she could pick the kids out of class by their behavior after a short time.

Fathers are Important

Harold B. Lee, when President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said, "The most important of the Lord's work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes" (Hawkins, 141). He is right. If we want to have a better life today, a better life tomorrow, and a better life for our children, then the only things that matter are what happen in the home. What we are teaching our children and the examples we are, will determine who they become and the choices they make. Fathers have a big impact on children. "...fathers are essential to children's healthy development" (Hawkins, 140).

Children who have a father in the home have fewer social problems, they perform better in school, have less behavior issues, are more likely to abstain from sex in early years, and are less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. This fact alone shows the importance of a father in the home. 

Roles of Dad

Successful Marriages and Families states that they believe a fathers role is to preside, partner, be present, provide, and protect. We see again what a big part in mom's life and in child's life that dad plays.

Preside
The Proclamation to the World: The Family states that, "...fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness". Fathers are to be the spiritual leaders as well as the temporal leaders. Fathers are to love, direct, and teach their children in all areas of their lives.



Partner with Wife
Dad and Mom are partners. "...parenthood was framed as a joint partnership within the context of a committed relationship between husband and wife, as father and mother...In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners" (Hawkins, 141). Even if mother and father are not married, it is still so important to have a positive working relationship when raising your children.



Partner with Children
Howard W. Hunter while President of the LDS church said that fathers need to "earn the respect and confidence of [their] children through [their] loving relationship with them" and that they need dad's "time and presence in their social, educational, and spiritual activities and responsibilities" as well as provide "tender expressions of love and affection toward children" (Hawkins, 143).
How can we expect for children to be influenced by their fathers if the fathers are not respected or involved in their lives? In order for kids to respect, love, and listen to their fathers, dad's have to obtain a relationship with the child.
I love this clip! These dad's have truely partnered with their children.

             Be Present

Being in the home is not enough; fathers need to be present in their children's lives.  They have to be available to their kids and conscious of what is happening in their world. Being a great dad "requires both quantity and quality time" (Hawkins, 144). To be present is "to be there (physical), to be aware (psychological), and to give care (practical)" (Hawkins, 145). Make sure your kids know you love them and that they are worth your time.




                                                                           To Provide

Fathers are to "provide for their physical and spiritual needs" and fathers are "to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families" (Hawkins, 145). Fathers need to make sure that their families have a roof over their heads, food on the table, clothes on their backs, as well as making sure they are provided with spiritual replenishment. He is to provide them with the knowledge of how to pray, provide the example of how to be a good husband, father, and man in society. Fathers are to provide love, care, guidance, support, and necessities in life. Children need both parents to provide for all of their emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. 

                           

                                                   To Protect

From the moment that little baby is born, fathers take on the role of protector. So many times he is the one that locks the doors each night and worries about the family when he is not home; he is the protector. Not only is the man the physical protector, but also the emotional protector. 

Children need good examples in fathers to learn how to live. If children see their father protecting his own body from harm such as cigarettes and alcohol, they are likely to do the same. If they see him model good behavior, they again will want to be like dad. "...fathers can 'actively protect their children by helping them make wise choices about the literature they read, the movies they see, the television programs they watch, the Internet sites they visit, and friendships they establish'" (Hawkins, 147). Fathers have the influence on their children to help them make good decisions and spare them the emotional tragedies they many times children would have faced had they not had a father's example and guidance. 

HOW TO: 

REPENT AND FORGIVE

"Repentance and forgiveness are two sides of the same coin and are frequently addressed together" (Hawkins, 201).

Repentance must come before forgiveness. If we have faltered for any reason, we must recognize it and decide to make a change. We cannot ask forgiveness for something we do not regret or intend to change.

WHAT DOES REPENTANCE  HAVE TO DO WITH MARRIAGE?

[Repentance] is much more than just acknowledging wrongdoings. It is a change of mind and heart that gives us a fresh view about God, about ourselves, [about our spouse], and about the world. It includes turning away from sin and turning to God for forgiveness. It is motivated by love for God and the sincere desire to obey His commandments" (LDS.org).

Not only is repentance needed in religion, but also in families. Everybody makes mistakes and rather than dissolve relationships because of it, we are given the opportunity to repent and start fresh. 
I am as guilty as any when I tell you that I have hurt my husbands feelings; said something a little too harshly, or even embarrassed him in public. Most times it is unintentional, but I make plenty of mistakes so I am so grateful for the chance to repent of my wrong doings.
This is a two way road. I am not always the one seeking repentance and forgiveness. There have been times that my husband has been in the wrong and has repented for his words or actions.

STEP 1

"Repentance is achieved through humility and empathy...humility is the opposite of arrogance, narcissism, or pride" (Hawkins, 203). It takes a strong person to set aside their pride and truly repent for their misdeed. 
Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the twelve Apostles for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints talks of repentance in such a beautiful way. He says, "There can be no repentance without recognition of wrong...After recognition, real remorse floods the soul...There can be no real repentance without personal suffering and the passage of sufficient time for the needed cleansing and turning...[and finally]True repentance also includes confession: " (LDS.org).
He says this so perfectly. Repentance is an individual effort that requires thought, regret, and remorse, and change. It is something we must achieve ourselves with the help our Father in Heaven. As we repent for our sins, it gives us more desire to seek forgiveness from others.

Repentance is the first step to freeing ourselves from the pain and guilt we feel from the sin we committed. If we are truly repentant, then we will feel sorrow and remorse, but when we start to correct the action and repent we will feel our burden become a little lighter. 

STEP 2

In order to ask forgiveness, you must have to truly regret your words or actions. You cannot repent for something you intend to do again. 

There are different types of forgiveness. There are moments when both parties are at fault, some where only one person is at fault, and lastly, there is one way forgiveness where the other party cannot participate for reasons such as death or sexual abuse. 

I am only going to focus on forgiveness when one party is at fault. Many times in marriage we make mistakes and we have to love the other person enough to seek forgiveness. We need to repent of our actions and then do all we can to reconcile the misdeed.
In order to properly ask forgiveness, the offender needs to be aware of the following:
1. Knowledge of exactly what they did wrong- You have to understand that what you did was wrong. You also need to address it in your apology. Most times specificity is key to helping the other person know you are apologetic.
2. Expression of regret and remorse-Show them that you regret your decision. Don't try to minimize your actions or think that the other party is over-reacting.
3. Make a suitable offer of restitution-Try to come up with a way to make the problem better. Many times the effort to mend the issue will help the other person see that you want to resolve the issue.
4. Pledge to reform that behavior so it does not occur again-you cannot ask forgiveness for an act you intend on doing again. That defeats the purpose of asking forgiveness.
"The apology will fail if any of the steps is missing or inadequate" (Hawkins, 204).

Forgiveness is meant to help the offender and the victim move forward and on with their lives. 

"Genuine forgiveness is a process..It is hard work and it takes time" (Hawkins, 205). Don't expect everything to be peachy right after an apology is given. The other party needs time to process your words and see that you mean them.
"However, in choosing to forgive, the victim now takes responsibility; he or she can not longer use the unpaid debt as an excuse for his or her own...ills" (Hawkins, 206).

FORGIVE BUT DON'T FORGET
Not all instances where repentance and forgiveness are needed are big issues. The other day I locked my husband out of our house and he had to wait on the porch for 20 minutes for me to get back with the key. I felt really bad and asked his forgiveness. This is not an instance that we will most likely remember in a few months. It doesn't have to be a big event to be repentant or ask forgiveness of a spouse or friends.

However, sometimes we are in the position where we need to repent or ask forgiveness for big sins. Sometimes we are the person being asked to forgive another. Most likely you will not forget the misdeed and in many cases it is better if you don't. If we remember what we did and how it felt, we are much less likely to repeat that same mistake.

We as humans remember the good times, but we also remember the hard times. It is unfair to hold those sins over the heads of our loved ones, and it is unfair to hold it above our own heads as well. The process of repentance and forgiveness should free us of that pain, but we will never forget the wrong that has been done. Elder Richard G. Scott of the twelve apostles for the LDS church stated, "There is no magic solution, no simple balm to provide healing, nor is there an easy path to the complete remedy. The cure requires profound faith in Jesus Christ and in His infinite capacity to heal" (Hawkins, 208)


FINAL THOUGHT
When we falter, we need to turn to the Savior to help us through. He suffered all things for us and knows our pains and sorrows. He knows the intent of our hearts and can help us through the process of repentance. He died for our sins and He is aware of us. If we rely on the Lord to help us, it will make the process of repentance and forgiveness much easier. We have been told that we must forgive all men and that includes forgiving ourselves for our own sins. Through repentance and forgiveness, relationships can make it through the rainy days and again see the sun.

HOW TO:

HAVE AN ENDURING, AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

"While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstacy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person" (Spencer W. Kimball).

Successful marriages are possible. They happen every day and every year, yet we rarely seem to hear about those. Instead, we hear about the marriages that are coming to an end. With so much divorce and so many hard times in marriage, is it possible to have an enduring, happy, and healthy marriage? I am happy to say that the answer to this questions is "YES"! 

I read a book for one of my classes that I highly recommend to anyone that wants to make their marriage better, want to save their marriage, or just want better relationships in general. It is a book by John M. Gottman called, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. This book is incredible and it helps you understand your spouse, your role in the marriage, what to look out for in fights, and it even gives some activities of how to reconnect or turn to each other. 

I believe that this book holds the key for an enduring, happy, and healthy relationship. He states, "...the simple truth [is] that happy marriages are based on deep friendship. By this I mean mutual respect and enjoyment of each other's company" (Gottman, 19).

Friendship seems like such a simple answer, but it is very true. If you genuinely like your spouse and respect them then you can work through issues much more effectively. Couples fight, laugh, and have hard times, but if you have a foundation of friendship it makes it much easier to get back to solid ground. 

When I read this chapter, I thought of the show Parks and Rec because the main character Leslie and her husband always say, "I love you and I like you". At first it sounds silly, but to succeed in marriage you need both. You need to love your spouse, but it is so much easier if you actually like them as well. If you have a foundation of friendship it makes it easier to love your spouse and if you love your spouse you have the desire to become better friends. It is the circle of marriage. 

An Enduring Marriage

What can we do to help our marriage stand the test of time? I read a talk by Bruce C. Hafen called, "Covenant Hearts" that clarified this for me. In this he talks about the difference between a contractual marriage and a covenant marriage. Let me explain the difference. 

CONTRACT MARRIAGE

Contract Marriage- "When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they're receiving what they bargained for...contract companions each give 50 percent" (Hawkins, 28).

Contracts are man-made and can be broken. This comes with fees, penalties, hard times, and sometimes a time limit. Contracts talk of the benefits of each holder. They discuss how to keep the conditions ideal for both parties. 

COVENANT MARRIAGE

Covenant Marriage-In a covenant marriage, "husband and wife work through [troubles]. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God...covenant companions each give 100 percent. Enough and to spare. Each gives enough to cover any shortfall by the other" (Hawkins, 28).

Covenants are binding to one another and to God. Covenants don't only talk about your personal benefits. Covenants tell of the sacrifice and work you are willing to put in to a marriage, to yourself, and to God. A covenant is a promise you make to all three parties. Having a covenant marriage means that you do all you can to make the other person happy, that you fulfill your duties and obligations to your spouse and to God. Covenant marriages are when you decide to give yourself completely to another person and to become selfless. When the hard times come, you give even more of yourself and you do all you can to strengthen your spouse. You don't walk away from the rain; you step into the storm together. You decide from day one that no matter what, you will love, support, and encourage each other through life. 

Marriage does not fit into a contract! Marriage is not always ideal for both parties. Life throws curve balls and we have to learn to adapt. Sometimes we give more and sometimes we receive more. We are faced with health issues, job loss, and other challenges. Marriage cannot be planned out perfectly year by year or even day by day. It is not about self, it is about selflessness. Both parties must commit to giving the 100 percent and not only 50 percent in their marriage. 

We all change. The girl you married at 20 or the boy you married at 21 are different people at age 40 or 50. We all get older, we become wiser, we find new hobbies, new friends, we grow, we change. Couples in a covenant marriages promise to change and grow together rather than walk away when the other person changes. They make the decision to never fall out of love. 

HAPPY IN MARRIAGE

Happiness in marriage depends on friendship and having a covenant marriage. To be happy you have to be committed to the Lord and to your spouse completely. You have to never let yourself look for a way out, but rather a way to improve things with your partner and with the Lord. To be happy, you have to choose to be happy. Choose to stay connected to your spouse. Choose to be friends. You have to want them to be the person you tell your funny stories to, the person you cry to, the person you always turn to. Not only that, but you have to be that person for them. Show them that you care, that you love them, and that you also like them. Be their friend. Do all you can to strengthen your friendship with your spouse. If you are friends, then you have won half the battle. 

FINAL THOUGHT

"Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse" (Gottman, 20). 

HOW TO:

Be Separate, Yet Equal

Men and Women are different; they have always been and they always will be. We hear all the time about how men and women are to be equal. Well you know what? We are EQUAL, but that does not mean that we are the SAME.

Men have things that they are better at. Most are much better at keeping emotions out of decisions, providing for and protecting their families. Most women are great at making sure emotions are considered in decisions, nurturing, and keeping their families organized. I am not saying that men and women are limited to these things in any way. I am just showing that we do not have to be the same. Why can't we use our strengths to help each other?

  My Experience In This Matter

My husband is very level headed. He is very compassionate and understanding. He is great at helping people with problems. He is great with fixing cars and cooking on the grill. I on the other hand am very organized and patient. I am very blunt with my words. I love reading books to our daughter, making crafts, and cooking in the house. Not many things about us are the same, but we compliment each other perfectly.

In a marriage, husband and wife are equal. They each have equal say in decisions and they should show equal love for each other. Husband and wife are not the same. There are certain things that the man should do and the woman should do. Families have dated back to the beginning of time and they seemed to work really well up until about 40 years ago. What changed to make families fall apart? I think part of it was the search for equality.

What is right?

Bruce Hafen gave an example that shows exactly why some marriages struggle in this issue. He said, "Our young husband’s parents believe the old idea that women are fully dependent on their husbands. Our young wife’s parents believe the new idea that women are independent of their husbands. But the restored gospel teaches the eternal idea that husbands and wives are interdependent with each other. They are equal. They are partners." When you come into a marriage with different ideas of man and woman's roles, it can make marriage very difficult. 

The Man's Role

Each marriage is different and each gets to pick and choose what roles they want. As for me, I believe that men are to, "provide, preside, and protect". A man's role is to provide a home, food, and necessities for his family. He is to preside in the home as co-leader, father, and husband. It is so important for children to see their father lead them and show love and respect to their mother. He is the one that plays hard and rough with the kids and teaches them to be tough. He is also there as the protector. He is the example of what a father and husband should be. He is also the killer of spiders, and safe haven from bad dreams. He is the physical protector from harm.

The Woman's Role

As for the woman, I believe that a woman's role is to nurture her children, her husband and herself. That does not mean that all she does is give love. Of course that is one of the biggest parts of motherhood, but she also is to teach her children, make sure that her family is of good health, support her husband in his work, protect her children from emotional and physical harm. She is usually softer with her children and the kisser of scrapes and bruises. She does many of the household chores, cook dinners, helps with homework, provides rides to school and practices, and tries to find some alone time to replenish herself. She is the anchor in the home. She is the one her husband and kids can go to for encouraging words and love.

Of course there are times when this does not happen, and this may not work for every family situation. Each family needs to adapt and find the way that they can best operate.

Why different roles?

It is so great for children to see mom and dad working together. It is good for them to see that mom or dad can't do it all by themselves. It is good for them to see mom and dad support each other in whatever they do. It is good to know that we all have different strengths and weaknesses, but that husband and wife support each other in all endeavors and strengthen each other where the other falters.

MY TENNIS ANALOGY



I like to think of husband and wife like tennis doubles. Someone is up front and someone is back court. Both partners are greatly needed and equally important. They each specialize in one area and they help each other win the game. They both understand the game and know what the other has to do and that each task is difficult in one way or another. If one person is struggling, the other assists until the partner can get back to their feet. They cheer each other on and they celebrate together and they lose together; always as a team. Marriage is not a competition; if you play that game, neither of you will win. Marriage is a team sport that requires that you both put in your effort and help each other succeed.


FINAL THOUGHT

"In the home it is a partnership with husband and wife equally yoked together, sharing in decisions, always working together...'obligated to help one another...'" (Hawkins, 41).

HOW TO:

HONOR VOWS WITH COMPLETE FIDELITY

 What does it mean to honor your vows with complete fidelity? My first thought was that you are only intimate with your spouse! If only it were that easy. Honoring your vows with complete fidelity goes beyond sex. It means to be faithful, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

The media makes us think that adultery is fun, they make it look thrilling and mystically dangerous. Most TV shows and movies have something to do with committing adultery. Maybe you didn't notice because so many times they justify the act by making the husband or wife unlikeable. Think about it next time you sit down to watch TV (The Office, Gray's Anatomy) or a movie (Sweet Home Alabama, The Great Gatsby), most likely they will have some kind of adultery, even if is made to look innocent or unintentional. But you know what? Those are movies; in reality; adultery is just plain SELFISH and it really does HURT.



First off, let's start with an Emotional Affair.  We all have seen the moment on screen or in real life when a person who married begins to confide in another person besides their spouse. They then become comfortable talking and sharing experiences with this person. Slowly, and that is the key word, slowly, that person falls a little more away from their spouse. They now have someone else that is taking interest in them, someone who is loving, and cares for their well-being. Then before you know it, they develop feelings for that person, and  have committed an emotional affair.

We have been taught the fairy tale. All love is magical and like Shakespearian plays. There is love, lust, desire, and personal interest in the other person 24/7 in a marriage. That is not true. We never got to see, "Romeo and Juliet dealing with household clutter, unpaid bills, and crying children"(Hawkins, 61). Marriage is not a fairy tale; it is real life; but if you stay emotionally connected and you think of the other person before yourself, you will not have to worry about an emotional affair in your marriage.

Mental adultery is when a person becomes involved with another person in their mind. It could be a fantasy, it could be with a real person online, it could be inappropriate thoughts about a celebrity or any other person. No matter the context, they are thinking of someone else in an inappropriate setting and thereby, have had an affair. This could also mean pornography. Pornography is a culprit that so many people do not see as dangerous. Pornography destroys marriages everyday and opens the doors to physical affairs.

The Bible talks about adultery in Matthew. It states, "...whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery already with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). Fantasies, internet relationships and pornography are no different. If you look or talk to a woman (or man) and lust after them, you have committed adultery in your mind and in your heart.

And lastly, the physical affair. Sexual infidelity is the usually the final act in adultery. Yes, that means that most of the time, another act of adultery was committed before the person had a physical relationship with someone else.  "Veon Smith, a professor, and marriage counselor, warned, 'Infidelity is a subtle process. It does not begin with adultery; it begins with thoughts and attitudes. Each step to adultery is short, and each is easily taken; but once the process starts; it is difficult to stop'" (Hawkins, 61-62).

 Luckily, sexual infidelity is not as common as the media portrays. It is thought through studies that only 3-4% of married people are having an affair in any given year (Hawkins, 59). That number may be low, but it is still a number that shouldn't exist. We also do not know how many people are actively involved in other kinds of adultery in that same year.

Our spouse is the only other person besides God that we are commanded to give our whole heart to. We choose who we marry and we vow to become one and love that person forever. Bad days, bad weeks, or even bad years, do not give any person the right to go back on those vows.  

HOW TO PREVENT INFIDELITY


"Infidelity is easier to prevent than to remedy" (Hawkins, 63).

What are the keys to staying faithful?


1. Boundaries-where do you draw the line? Be clear with yourself and with your spouse about what is and is not appropriate. Make sure that you are never alone with anyone of the opposite sex in private; always meet in public. Only discuss personal issues with your spouse; don't confide in anyone other than your spouse. Do not flirt under any conditions. Resist the desire to rescue someone or to be a shoulder to cry on for someone in an unhappy relationship.
All of these things can lead to an affair. Why risk it? Set boundaries.

2. Be FIERCELY loyal-under no circumstance sway at all from your spouse. To be loyal means to be faithful in your mind, heart, and body. Control your thoughts and words to others. Even though you may talk to a family member or friend, remember to never speak negatively to anyone of your spouse. They tend to remember the negative moments much longer than you do. (This of course is not true in cases of abuse. That is the moment to confide and turn to your family for help.) Always put your spouse first; marriage is an agreement that, "allows for no sharing, dividing, nor depriving" (Hawkins, 64).

"As we construct appropriate boundaries, are fiercely loyal, control our thoughts, and put our spouse first, it is unlikely our marriage will ever be traumatized by infidelity" (Hawkins, 65).




Introduction to my blog
I am majoring in Marriage and Family Studies at Brigham Young University-Idaho. I am learning how to create a strong marriage and family so that they can celebrate times of joy as well as work through any adversity that comes their way.
For one of my classes, I have chosen to create a blog as my semester project. The purpose of my blog is to help couples learn how to better rely on each other and become more united in their marriage. It is also to help families become stronger and create a bond that will never be broken.
I will be discussing 11 topics throughout the course of this blog and I hope that one or more of these will help you strengthen your marriage and family.

This week I am going to cover:

HOW TO: DEFEND THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE AND FAMILY



Thomas S. Monson, the prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said, 

"Decisions Determine Destiny"

Marriage, more than any other choice, determines our destiny. It is the choice that will pave the way for the rest of your life. It is the choice that will determine who you will grow old with, who you will have children, who you will buy a home with, who you will support through thick and thin, and who you will choose to be by your side forever.

The book Successful Marriages and Families states, " For many, the marriage decision is particularly anxiety-provoking because of our understanding of marriage as an eternal commitment coupled with tugs and pulls of a secular world and the intense emotions associated with romantic relationships" (Hawkins, 22).

Marriage is work and has many challenging days and moments. Making the right decision of who to marry is very important, but after that decision is made, nothing can bring more happiness than marrying your best friend and creating a family with them.

 In order to defend marriage, you have to believe in marriage. For this to happen we need to teach our children why marriage is important.

WHY IS MARRIAGE IMPORTANT?

Dr. Lawrence Wilson says the following:

The family unit – principally a man and a woman living together in harmony and peace – is and always will be the basic social organization or unit of any society.  This relationship alone provides stability in a sexual, emotional, intellectual, and social way as no other can. 

This statement may seem prejudiced or biased against other forms of social organization, but it has proven true over hundreds and even thousands of years.

Our families are our support in life. They are the foundation that we hold to when the winds are blowing and we feel like we will be knocked off course. Our families are the love, support, encouragement, guidance, strength we need to successfully navigate through this life.

If we can create strong families, then we will, like Dr. Wilson said, be able to create a stronger society. Our children will have a brighter future and we will live much happier lives.

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS TO MARRIAGE?

Marriage is also great for individuals. Study after study has been done that shows that
"married people are generally happier... with greater life satisfaction, lower risk of depression, and great economic stability; all contributing to better mental health" (Hawkins, 71). Married people even have more sex than unmarried people! "...faithfully married people report being well satisfied with their sex lives, more so than any other category of sexually active people" (Hawkins,73). 

"People are not meant to be alone. Having companionship in life is extremely fulfilling and completely necessary. It's important to have someone that is there for you and cares about your well-being." Hailey Spung

 You get married, you start a family, you watch your family grow over the years. And what do you get out of that...you have your family legacy. Sue Spung
Marriage is great for society. Dr Wilson stated, "When the families are strong, society is strong, as a rule. When families are weak, societies begin to break down". Married couples are also better off financially and benefit society more than single or co-habituating couples. (foryourmarriage.org)

"...marriage/family are the building blocks of society and where the greatest joys can be experienced in life." Stacey Anderson Marriage is great for children. Children perform better in school, have less addiction problems, less emotional problems if they have a mother and father at home. According to ForYourMarriage.org

Children raised in intact married families:
 are more likely to attend college
are physically and emotionally healthier
are less likely to be physically or sexually abused
are less likely to use drugs or alcohol and to commit delinquent behaviors
have a decreased risk of divorcing when they get married
are less likely to become pregnant/impregnate someone as a teenager

"As a teacher in a low income area, the absence of a family makes it almost impossible for children to be successful in school and general development of character. In my experience, whether it is nuclear, single, blended or whatever,the absence of that is children who have inconsistent care by multiple adults with no clear guidance. I have dozens of students who don't know how to handle themselves socially, talk to an adult, or accept authority. Many of them miss out on wonderful opportunities, academic or otherwise, because no one is supporting them at home and giving them a positive perspective on trying something new or challenging. Aside from just a positive role model, these children are in defense mode because they often feel on their own." Emily Weller

"Not only do you have companionship and the benefits that come along with that, but a good marriage between a man and a women provides a strong unit to bring up children. Each child needs the influence of a female and a male in their lives. This helps them to develop into respectable balanced adults, provided that the mother and father are good caretakers. Family is the most important unit in society and marriage is the starting point." Nicole Massengale

HOW TO DEFEND MARRIAGE

What is the point of marriage? Why not just live together? What is the significance of a piece of paper?

Dennis Prager, a radio host in LA, talked about this very issue and I loved his perspective. He said that, "if marriage is just a piece of paper, then why not sign it?" We know that marriage is not just a piece of paper, it is a commitment and a promise to give ourselves completely to another person.

Dennis said the following:

"There is a world of difference, even though it may not be in one’s heart—there is a world of difference between being married and living together with somebody. Let me tell you something: There is a very big difference between the word boyfriend and the word husband, between the word girlfriend and the word wife, even between the word partner and the word husband or wife. It’s not just a piece of paper."


Marriage is a commitment to each other, to God, to our families, and to our society. Marriage is not an act that only affects the husband and wife. Marriage is a public celebration and it affects everyone around us. Marriage is important to society, it is important for families, and it is important to our children.


BACK TO BASICS

Let's get our society back to the basics and back to the focus of families. If we can help or encourage families then our society will begin to recover from this downfall we have seen over the last few decades. No matter how you look at it, marriage is important!